Book Summary Preview : The Five Languages of Apology

Why Apologize

As imperfect beings, we all live in an imperfect world as people with conscience. As beings with a sense of morality or conscience, there is an innate desire to reconcile damaged relationships. This desire is usually stronger than a demand for justice, thus, there is an essential need for an apology as it is what hinders the build up of anger and violence.

Apologies are the most basic criteria to enable forgiveness, because forgiveness without an apology mostly benefits the forgiver rather than the offender. The study and use of the Five Languages of Apology allows the deeper understanding of effectively apologizing.

Apology Language #1: Expressing Regret

Sincerity of an apology differs from person to person, what one may consider a sincere apology may not be the case with another person. For most people an expression of regret may be the key element in a sincere apology. To express regret is more commonly known as the words “I am sorry”.

Expressing regret is the emotional aspect of an apology. It is to acknowledge the pain, the inconvenience, the disappointment, the betrayal of trust done to a person. It is to feel guilt, shame and pain that your actions or words have caused to another person.

A sincere expression of regret is composed of the following for most people:

• To hear the words “I am sorry”
• When it is seen that your body language conspires with the words you say
• Being specific enough on what you regret on
• Having to admit full responsibility and not passing blame
• When there is no ulterior motive for the apology

Apology Language #2: Accepting Responsibility

To accept responsibility is another of the Five Languages of Apology. This language is usually uttered with the words “I was wrong.” The most essential part of accepting responsibility is by admitting mistakes fully and not to self-justify or make excuses. It is a sign of strength and maturity to admit ones wrongs. There is a quote that says “All of us make mistakes, but the only mistakes that will destroy you is the one you are unwilling to admit.”

There is a very big difference between Apology Language 1 and 2, to be sorry for one thing is totally different from admitting you were wrong. One language can exist without the other. If you feel a deeper sincerity when giving or receiving an apology that acknowledges the wrong doing then your primary apology language is probably Accepting Responsibility.

Apology Language #3: Making Restitution

Making restitution answers the question “What can I do to make it right?” To make up for wrong I embedded in human psychology. It is the basis for the concept of reparative damages, which is to exert effort to make up for the wrong.

Restitution is basically equalizing, to make amends or do something about the wrong committed. In close relationships, the desire for restitution is almost always based on the need for love. “Am I still loved?” is the question that often has to be satisfied when making amends. For some people restitution equals sincerity.

The basic idea of to repay damages and to restore a relationship may not come naturally to everyone. The five love languages (from the book titled The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman) serve as a guide to effective restitution.

The Five Love Languages:

• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Receiving Gifts
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch

Apology Language #4: Genuinely Repenting

To repent is literally to turn around or change. In the Apology Language it is to make an effort not to do again. Genuinely repenting starts with the mindset “I want to change”. In an apology this desire to change has to be verbalized because there is no way for the offended to immediately find out genuine repentance from the offender unless verbally mentioned. Obviously this mention of repentance has to be followed by an attempt or action to change.

There are three steps for Genuinely Repenting. After taking full responsibility for the wrong action the first step is intent to change the wrong ways. Second is to create a plan for change to take place. And the final thing to do is to implement the planned change. It is better to put plans of change into writing since it helps in reminding you of your planned change.

You have to accept that change will probably not happen overnight but failure need not defeat us. The key to a successful change is admitting relapses and continuously try and try again.

Apology Language #5: Requesting Forgiveness

This apology is often heard when someone asks to be forgiven. To some people to request for forgiveness indicates that the person apologizing wants the relationship with the person he has wronged to be fully restored. Requesting forgiveness realizes ones own faults and is willing to put the future of the relationship to the person offended.

This is one of the hardest things to do in an apology, the act of asking for forgiveness by saying the words “will you forgive me?” may become difficult because it can be scary. The three most common reasons why this process becomes hard are the following:

• to relinquish control over the relationship
• the fear of rejection
• the fear of failure

Though it is best to remember that to admit wrongs and ask for forgiveness will lead to becoming a good apologizer and a healthy individual.

Also, always remember that you are requesting for an apology and not demanding for it. To be given forgiveness even with a sincere apology is hard enough, it would be even harder if forgiveness is demanded from the person offended.

Reasons why it may be hard to forgive:

• Forgiveness gives up the quest for justice.
• If the consequences of the action done are long lasting
• If it is a major offence that has been committed
• If the offense has been repeated